Monday, December 29, 2008
I woke up moody, regretful and pissed. I think i sleepwalked last night, when it started to rain. I know part of my brain woke up to close the windows, but the other part was pissed that I woke up. So what I really did was walk to the living room and walk back to my room, then fall back asleep again. Dumb.
That's not the point anyway.
The point is, I don't see much meaning in my life. I am now considerably more cheerful than I was one hour ago, so I shall try to explain my feelings without going into that somber mood. Yesterday while taking bus with the guitarists to Chomp Chomp, I suddenly had a realisation that I wasn't happy. Don't get me wrong, I was having lots of fun. There is no lack of laughter, smiles nor happiness whenever I'm with my friends or when I'm dating. I don't know how to put it adequately.
All along I thought that maybe, I had to look for a job to make my life more meaningful. You know, like earn your own keep, get to buy the things you always wanted to buy. Or maybe, find something that I'm passionate about. Music, dance, sports. Enjoy life. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy company. But yesterday on the bus, I realised I was already laughing so much. But why isn't there that satisfaction that I've once felt?
The last time I ever felt truly happy, and truly satisfied was after Reverie 2008. When Mr Wan and Mr Chan shook my hand. I felt satisfied. It's after all that internal turmoil, the tsunami of emotions that I've felt pre-concert, and when it's finally done and done to a certain acceptable standard, it's so satisfying. Emotionally, it was a new, wonderful experience, and it was that happiness, that satisfaction only came after I've been right down bottom where my brain, my heart and my body has been tried. When I've started tearing after receiving sms-es from the man himself telling me that the concert will be great, even though everything was a mess just days before the concert. I don't know how to put it.
It's making a difference, it's doing something that has been meaningful I guess.
On the bus, I remember laughing, smiling, having fun. But I don't feel that happiness from deep inside. I don't feel my heart smiling, my mind laughing, my feet dancing, tapping to every beat in my life. (Okay Yi Qi you're being dramatic).
But today morning, I finally understood. Maybe it's God's way of telling me. Hey, you don't need a job. That's not what's going to give you happiness. What is going to give me happiness? Making a difference? Doing something that contributes to a good cause? Making money isn't going to give you happiness. Turning around in circles trying to fit in somewhere where you don't even have mastery in won't give me happiness. I can sing, I can play but I can't do all that for life.
I don't know yet. I really don't know. I'm just looking for a sign, for something to really show me the way to what I should be doing. But I'm sure now. I'm looking for volunteer opportunities, very much interested. And the Volunteer Orientation should be a good starting point I guess.
I mean, if i'm volunteering long-term, the happiness i can derive and the difference i can make in the world surely and farly (is there such a word?) exceeds what i would derive if i were to look for work and make lots of money right?
I really do hope so. And till then, until I find what I really want (and fast, I only have so much free time till Uni), the next time you see me I'll not only have better skin (due to the immense amount of dead sea salt facial and body scrub i bought), and also, I'll be a happier girl. I'll know what I want. I believe it.
I'll still be looking for a job, but now I know it's not what can bring my life around and make me satisfied. I hope you understand what I've been saying. If not, it's fine because my life, my thoughts isn't something I can put explicitly in words, and although I've really been trying, I understand that nobody, but myself can really give me what I want in life.
Have a wonderful day.
;10:52 AM
